The Real Founding Fathers

On this day it is our patriotic duty as Americans to celebrate our Founding Fathers, those who birthed this great Nation from its hoary colonial origins by declaring their unequivocal independence from the corrupt and greedy crown of Great Britain. With one mighty document, these brave men sent forth the greatest Fuck You in history - Old John Bull would no longer gorge himself on the toils and travails of New England! The greatest Nation on Earth would rise triumphant, grown from the simple principles outlined within the glorious Declaration, principles that are honored, cherished, and defended to this day:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all white male landowners are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Wealthiness.

But who were these courageous souls willing to fight and die for these rights? The history books are full of whitewashed myths. Let's take a look at the TRUTH behind our Founding Fathers. These were not perfect moral superheroes, they were rich aristocrats who had all the same scandalous vices and foibles that we see in the power elite today. They weren't a militia of angry farmers taking up arms, they were nearly all Freemasons who used their connections in the ancient secret society to fund the Revolution. Forget what you learned about George Washington chopping down his father's cherry tree, it was more likely that he smoked his father's buds!

"I cannot tell a lie. I'm high as hell right now, Pops!"

- young George Washington

Here is just a glance at some of the Real Founding Fathers:

George Washington: Marijuana farmer and dealer.

John Adams: Buggering philanderer.

Thomas Jefferson: Slave rapist.

Benjamin Franklin: Crush fetishist and animal abuser.

Button Gwinnett: Opium addict. Named Button.

John Hancock: Profligate gambler.

Samuel Adams: Moonshiner and bootlegging drunkard.

Thomas Paine: Child pornographer.

Patrick Henry: Several historical sources strongly indicate he was "way into" self-mutilation and goth makeup.

Paul Revere: Well-documented transvestite.

Alexander Hamilton: Attempted murderer.

Aaron Burr: Murderer.

I could go on, dear reader, but I think you get the point. Kennedy banging Marilyn Monroe in the Lincoln bedroom? Nixon bugging the Watergate Hotel? Clinton getting head in the Oval Office? John Edwards cheating on his cancer-stricken wife? Weinergate? These modern scandals merely perpetuate the ignoble traditions of the Real Founding Fathers!

They gave us our land of the free, fought for the unalienable rights of man, spoke at great length on equality, liberty, and virtue, but all those high-minded byproducts weren't the point. From the very beginning of American history, there has been one single idea driving this Nation. It isn't liberty, it isn't religious freedom, it certainly isn't equality. No, the Founding Fathers wanted the same thing then that everyone still wants now. It was all about the money.

It is said that power corrupts, but it is more likely that power attracts the corrupt. Those who seek public office do so not out of a desire to serve the public good but to advance their own sordid agenda, be that greed, perversion (sexual or otherwise), sadism, or good old fashioned tyranny - the very evil the Founding Fathers wished to abolish.