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Original Screenplay

ABE'S PALACE PRESENTS:
THIS AIN'T TELETUBBIES!
A XXX PARODY

by Thierry Hoegaarden


EXT. TELETUBBIELAND - DAY

Enormous Welsh Giant rabbits hop idly amid large plastic flowers on rolling hills of artificial turf. A hundred-foot tall pinwheel spins maniacally in the distance. In the clear blue sky, the SUN rises. We notice it has the face of a laughing infant. A LOUDSPEAKER rises mechanically from a patch of flowers.

SUN BABBY
Giggle giggle

LOUDSPEAKER
Where have all the Teletubbies gone?
Where have all the Teletubbies gone?

The Teletubbies TINKY WINKY, DIPSY, LALA, and PO hide behind a low rise, giggling and chattering amongst themselves. They realize they've been spotted and jump out suddenly.

TELETUBBIES (in unison)
Eh-oh! Run away! Run away!

The Teletubbies jostle among each other and then run to opposite sides of the frame. We join DIPSY and PO, together behind a secluded hill. Rabbits look on in silent disinterest. DIPSY is wearing his cowskin top hat.

DIPSY
Giggle

PO
Giggle

DISPY looks at PO and very deliberately removes his hat. His straight, bright green antenna emerges erect.

PO
Oh!

DIPSY
Oh.

DIPSY bows his head and uses his antenna to gently stroke the red circular antenna on PO's head. She blissfully capitulates.

PO
Ooooh!

[SCENE 1: DIPSY AND PO]


EXT. TELETUBBIELAND - DAY

LALA is skipping about, bouncing her ball and smelling flowers. The giant pinwheel in the background begins to spin faster and faster, emitting a shower of sparks. LALA looks on as a silver CGI sphere drifts down from the pinwheel and gently lands beside her. The sphere opens to reveal a carousel, devoid of animals save a single bear, dressed in a straw hat and striped vest and carrying a cane. It begins to tapdance for her.

LALA
Ooh! Yay!

The bear eyes her hungrily. She senses its intentions and bows her head, offering the bear her curly yellow antenna. It throws the cane and straw hat aside and caresses LALA's antenna with great passion.

[SCENE 2: LALA AND THE CGI BEAR]


SUN BABBY
Giggle

INT. TUBBIEDROME

TINKY WINKY is enjoying some tubby tustard. He eats greedily, slopping tustard all around him and making a mess of himself. The mess alerts the NOO-NOO, the Teletubbies' robotic vacuum cleaner.

TINKY WINKY
Uh-oh!

The NOO-NOO sniffs around the floor and inhales the spilled tustard with its nozzle. It reaches the nozzle up to TINKY WINKY's lap.

NOO-NOO
Slurp slurp suck slurp gurgle.

TINKY WINKY
Oh no! Giggle

NOO-NOO
Sluuurrrrp

TINKY WINKY
Naughty Noo-noo!

The NOO-NOO continues to clean the tustard from TINKY WINKY's body. This excites him greatly, and he sways and gyrates with pleasure.

[SCENE 3: TINKY WINKY AND THE NOO-NOO]



At a window, the other three Teletubbies have been watching TINKY WINKY's tryst with the NOO-NOO and giggling to themselves. TINKY WINKY notices them and covers his face in embarrassment.

DIPSY, LALA, and PO
Again! Again!

[SCENE 3 REPEATS]

EXT. TELETUBBIELAND - DAY

The LOUDSPEAKER rises again from its bed of flowers.

LOUDSPEAKER
Time for tubbie bye-bye!
Time for tubbie bye-bye!

The Teletubbies wave at the camera. Roll credits.


(C) COPYRIGHT 1997 ABE'S PALACE AND THIERRY HOEGAARDEN
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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