The End Times Are Upon Us

The seventh seal was opened, the angelic trumpets sounded, and the four horsemen rode across the plains of Armageddon. Today the foretold second coming of JESUS occurred in rural Pennsylvania where the ONLY SON OF GOD appeared and summoned all worthy followers to be RAPTURED up to Heaven. He chose one small Pennsylvania Dutch Amish family as the only people on earth worthy of entering the KINGDOM OF THE LORD. This means the rest of earth's population has been LEFT BEHIND to fight for hopeless survival before dying hollow meaningless deaths as civilization disintegrates into chaos and the planet self destructs.

I am hereby holding AUDITIONS for entry into my BLOOD CULT. Together we will pillage the ruined earth and slay its panicked inhabitants for our own sadistic pleasure, subduing the weak to use as slaves and catamites as we lay waste to the dying world. Auditions will take place tomorrow at 333 Mainline Hwy, Ringo Starr KY. Interested applicants must provide their own infant to sacrifice before me in tribute to the BLOOD OATH. Qualified candidates should possess the following skills:

• Affinity for the sight of your own blood
• Absolute loyalty to the warlord
• Disdain for the weak
• Utter lack of compassion and empathy
• Predisposition to violence
• An unholy craving for the taste of human flesh
• Contempt for all forms of life
• NO FAT CHICKS

In the event of rain, the auditions will be held in the Ringo Starr VFW Hall. Complimentary punch and pie will be served.

IMPORTANT UPDATE: The RAPTURE has NOT in fact occurred as previously reported! The missing Amish family was out enjoying a buggy ride before they settled into the barn to build some handcrafted electric fireplaces. If you murdered a babby whilst in my presence earlier today, then I am obliged by law to report your heinous crime to the Kentucky State Police.