Bulgaria Engulfed in Woodland BEEF

The bear raid sirens echo down the empty streets of Sofia as Bulgarian citizens barricade themselves indoors. Outside, opposing shadows shuffle clumsily toward each other, overturning parked cars and setting fire to anything that burns. Twilight glints sharply off of golden grillz and bling. Suddenly, a throwdown. Another rap battle in the escalating war between bears and porcupines is underway tonight.

PORCUPINE: "We gotz da quillz ta pay da billz, da rhymes ta cure ya illz."

BEAR: "Only sucka MCs try ta fight wit dey hair, come face the powa of Bulgarian bear!"

Bears and porcupines are dropping science on each other in parking garages, crowded cafes full of terrified people, and even Bulgarian living rooms, breaking into the house to bust rhymes as the occupants watch wailing in shocked disbelief, praying for the horror to end. The battlegrounds seem to be chosen for their lighting, acoustics, and most importantly, audience.

Although no human can know for certain, experts believe the conflict was started by porcupine protestors, young unemployed second-generation immigrants frustrated by years of denigration and treatment as second-class woodland citizens, who chewed the bark from several trees around bear dens, provoking the cantankerous ursine clan into a full-on BEEF. This is the dopest wildlife hip-hop altercation in Eastern Europe since the 1992 Czechoslovakian mule deer breakdance riots, and the freshest interspecies rap confrontation since the 1987 Moldova flashlight fight between pro-democracy hoot owls and communist turkey vultures.

BEAR: "Step ta me if ya gotz da bawz, I smackz ya down wit my powaful clawz."

PORCUPINE: "Ya rhymez be weak, dey second-rate, go back ya hole and hibernate"

The animals' use of broken English instead of rapping in their native Bulgarian is unexplained.

The story of this little-known war first broke on the >LOST BOYS< #1 TACTICAL NONLETHAL NO STINGERS server for the online computer police simulation SWAT 4 the Stetchkov Syndicate, where yours truly was beating an elderly grandmother about the head, neck, and chest for her own safety. A message from teammate "VLADi" flashed across the screen: "HELP BEAR IN WINDO". That caught my attention long enough for my avatar to lose focus and accidentally kill the grandmother, and I was summarily kicked from the server for violating its antilethality and profanity rules. I immediately checked the #TT on @twatter where "Bulgarian bears" and #BEEF were prominently listed. I drew the only logical conclusion and now the world knows the story of this horrible conflict.